I felt a hand cup my right tush cheek.
One eyebrow cocked, I turned my head slowly in the direction of the
rogue extremity. A boy in a t-shirt with spray painted words on it
smiled creepily and grabbed my hand. He lifted my arm as if it was
part of some mechanism that precipitated dance moves from the rest of
my body. I shook my head (not gonna happen, dude). The music was too
loud for him to hear the slicing words that I wanted to say. Through
the laser lights, I saw he made a face. A stupid expression. As if to say,
“Awwww, come on...”
I stared, one eyebrow probably still at attention. He didn't leave. I waved him
closer so I could yell in his ear. “Strict rule.” I pushed the
words from my diaphragm. “Oh yeah? What's that?” He said all
drunk, sexy like. “I don't dance with guys in t-shirts with words.
And I don't dance with ass holes. ...You're two for two, My Friend. Back the
f*ck up.” I turned to my girlfriend. “I am too old for this shit!”
I screamed in her direction. Drunk boys slammed into me. Girls in
half tops giggled. Bud light was sloshed across my dress. I was the
29 year old sore thumb in the middle of the bumpin' club.
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My Best Becca and Me. Friends since 6th grade. |
So after coming to terms with our age
and inability to “hang,” the last night of the trip we fucked our
dinner plans and stayed on the beach well past sunset. We toasted to
my amazing best friend and told stories. We danced and jumped around
like idiots. It was pretty perfect. Just what us old ladies needed.
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Who needs a club? |
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All the girls out to celebrate the Bride. |
It was an interesting weekend for me. I
was the only single girl on the Bachelorette trip, then add the
Yankee factor and the health freak tendencies and it was a perfect
storm of ridiculous. I felt a little like a leper in a beauty contest. And all
the wedding hoopla and couple talk kind of got to me. It sparked a
whole slew of emotions and trains of thought that left the station
for far off places. But not in the way one would think.
I mean, I always assumed that I would
get married. Never really gave it much thought, it just was what I
expected. But, anyone that's dated me in the past couple years can
tell you that at the mention of the word “commitment,” I break
into a cold sweat like George Bush in a spelling bee. Recently
someone asked me in regard to my aversion, “what are you so afraid
of?” I couldn't articulate it exactly at the time, but this past
weekend opened my eyes to the intricacies of my fears. Bear with me -
Seeing the lives girls my age back home are
starting all sorts of freaked me out. They have the houses and the yards and the paid vacation days. And I mean, it seems to work really
well for them. ...but...For some reason, it simply doesn't appeal to me. I have no interest in talking about registries, and china, and houses, and babies, and
school systems, and breast pumps. Holy. Anxiety attack.
Secondly, there's my independence. I
have been through some shit in the past years, y'all (just go back in
blog-time and do some reading). And bravery's been building within
me. The older I get, and the more I deal with, the less reliant I am
on others. I get through the messes, generally coming out of them
with a smile (after I wipe the tears and subsequent badassery off my
face). I've done a ton of inward work recently and I don't
want to lose the independence that I've tried so hard to cultivate.
And I'm afraid of becoming content.
I've never been in a relationship that propelled me forward to do all
of the things that I want to do. They've always been about settling
in.
BUT here's the kicker: This trip I
realized that I think I can make my own version. As my Mom reminded me in the car when she picked me up after I got back to Atlanta
and told her how I was feeling, “You've always felt that way,”
she said. “So, you make the life you want. Just like you always
have.” And she's right. Hell, it's why I moved to NY in the first
place. I've applied this sentiment in my professional life with
Acting and The Wellness Project, why not apply it to my personal
life? I can have whatever the hell I wanna have. I can get married
(EVENTUALLY, let's not get crazy) and I don't have to talk about
registries, and china, and houses, and babies, and school systems,
and breast pumps.
Whew! What a relief. This has been a
major cause of anxiety within me recently. From my Brother pretty
much telling me that he thought I was never going to get married, to
my other single friend's mother asking her to freeze her eggs (oy vey), the
concern has been growing, People. Not that I won't get married, but that I
don't WANT to get married. But I think it's up to me to set my own terms.
Write my own story. ...or blog. That's assuming that I ever meet anyone on the same page and can pull my hot messy dating life together. But, Lord knows, that's a story for another day...
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My assistant, Kid Mogul. |
After the Bach Party weekend I was back
in ATL for some quality Fun Aunt Sarah time and to hang with the Fam.
I also went to the 20th anniversary of my old Dance
Studio, Rhythm Dance Center.The alums came back to dance one more
time on the stage together as a group. It was totally weird and
nothing like it used to be. Once again, I was reminded of the passing
of time. We used to walk on stage with insane confidence, ready to
work. This time? ...we just didn't want to break a hip.
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With my Dance Teachers and fellow RDC Alumni |
But it was awesome to celebrate the
empire that my role models growing up created. They built this
incredible home for so many kids, where we were allowed to be
creative and expressive. Where we developed life long friendships and
learned invaluable lessons. As I begin to release my own business, TWP,
into the world, they are once again my role models. Dedicated,
passionate, smart women that built something of their own. I can only
hope to experience some of the same successes they have.
I came back to NY excited as all hell
to get to work on The Wellness Project. I met with Rachel my first
morning back and had a killer work session. We talked future plans
and possibilities. Goodness gracious, I am so freakin' excited for what's coming. I think we may be onto something truly amazing.
So while in my last post I was looking
high and low for inspiration, at this moment in time I have found tons. From a
Bachelorette weekend that opened my eyes to my own wishes for the
future within my personal life, to a celebration of a business that
changed my life so many years ago and opened my eyes to my hopes and
wishes for the future of my professional life.
I've always said that I hate going
backwards. But it turns out that maybe sometimes it's good to revisit
the past. It's a great reminder of how I got this amazing gift of a present.
And also to determine what it is, exactly, that I really want for my
future.
Go you, Sarah!
ReplyDeleteThanks, girl! :)
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