Fear of Falling

My roommate’s night out and her exhibiting the beginnings of a cold were the perfect storm that woke me abruptly at 3:30. Unable to slow the drip of thoughts that kept REM cycle just a dream, luckily it’s been one of those mornings where I felt I wanted to sit with myself rather than get lost in sleep, anyhow. My brain took off for morning before the light could catch up.

So. Here I am. 5:30. New York Muffins. Double Almond Milk Latte… (forgive me for any overly sentimental or lyrical words, there’s some irrational sense of protection that comes with the darkness of very early and very late that makes a person a bit more sensitive.)

I love Brooklyn at this time. It has a quiet darkness that the city never has. And, here, the people up before the sun are a different breed. Not groggy and crusty eyed, but bright. Emitting energy that I’m pretty sure must power the sun.

My favorite town. My favorite season.

And I love this time of year. It always gets me thinking. My body feels a very visceral change from Summer to Fall, an ease as my limbs relax into cozy fabrics and my morning coffee is hot and perfect. It’s no surprise that I like being warmed from the inside out, rather than Summer’s tendency for the other way around.

I’ve long tried to explain my love of Fall. It could be said that it’s because I was born then (I turned an impossible 31 last week). But it goes far beyond that, I think. Fall is an in-between. An odd mash up of boots and bare arms. Light layers. It’s a bridge that links two extremes, finding some cozy and comfortable balance between the two. Call me trite and all-too-literally a Libra, but I like the balance. That somewhere in-between.

Birthday party.
We may be old, but we are no less ridiculous.

I think that’s why I don’t miss my 20’s and seem to be settling into my 30’s quite nicely. I used to feel like I was waiting for my life to start. But now I know: this is it. No light at the end of the tunnel, the whole damn thing’s illuminated. Every second important because it’s the collective. And while I still think it’s completely bizarre, this whole getting older thing, I respect the changes and I’m grateful for the ability to step outside and see aging as a sort of experiment.

A while ago, I was on a date and in the middle of my talking about something (can’t remember what), The Charmer looked at me like I was a science fair project. In a condescending tone, as if I had made a mistake and was using the wrong words, he said, “You seem to think a lot of things are ‘interesting’ and ‘amazing.'” He formed his mouth around the two words like they tasted bad. …My response came after a moment of silence and some serious thought. I sifted through my rolodex of vocab words, wondering if he was right, but soon answered, “Yup. I do. …And, I won’t apologize.”

Rach and Me giving a workshop,
making Gut Bacteria fun at a downtown office.

That being said, while I am in awe and I do feel more balanced, the older I get the more risky the decisions I have to make. “Failure” has a harsher connotation. I’ve never been one to throw caution to the wind, but I am a firm believer in calculated risks and vast leaps of faith. Starting The Wellness Project is a jump that’s proving fairly hard to get my feet off the ground, and I mean that in many senses. It’s not for lack of trying, or passion, or motivation. But starting a business is difficult. Every day is an intense roller coaster of emails and phone calls. Ideas and opportunities. And I find myself uneasy. A lot. But we are moving, and I do so believe in our passion-powered ability. We’ve got some seriously exciting things going down. So it might be at a speed requiring patience, but we do seem to be getting somewhere.

"Sarah Jacobs: Playwright," as listed in a program.
...writing's been my outlet, recently.

And then there’s my creative life. I’m currently feeling the need to Act maybe more than ever before. The fire in my chest when I think about jumping into a script is so hot that I swear you could feel it if you put your hand to my heart. And while I do continue to audition a fair amount for commercial gigs, I have to trust that I will get back to the Art of it sometime very soon. And in the meantime, I pour my creative self into my projects at hand. And continue to work on some that I have going on behind the scenes.

And then… there’s my personal life. A person I previously solidified as a fairly intense memory came back to my material present, and the leaps are made daily. Allowing all of the stuff that I buried over a year ago to surface and re-appear raw is not an easy task. Trusting and letting go, while knowing all too well the consequences that could come takes a lot. But with release of my own ego, I choose not to dwell in the past. And I made the adult decision that I’d way rather risk a possible unfavorable future than miss the reward of right now.

 …So while I don’t throw caution to that ever present wind, there is a certain amount of sway. After all, the ubiquitous “they” always say that the leaps you don’t take are the ones that hurt the most.

She's got TWO nuggets in there!!

So I’m just staying open. Trusting in transitions. Not glued to any one outcome (Lord knows I never expected to be doing half the things I’m doing now). And, whether I’m ready or not, looks like life is headed this way - my best friend just moved out of NYC. I get texts with pictures of positive pregnancy sticks (and we’re happy about it). Friends’ parents are passing away. People ask to see my neck when they hear my age. My brother is about to have twins. And I’m finding it harder and harder to dress myself fashionably. …It comes…

And, the truth is that I am kind of scared shitless. But worry never changed an outcome. And while fear is a main character in life (as is failure), it informed the plot much more when I was young and it made decisions for me. Like when I was 15 and learning to drive - I only made right turns, because left meant leaving the safety of the neighborhood.

Things do change.

So, it seems even this season’s name itself shares a connotation with some of my intrinsic traits. Fall. Be pulled by the rules of nature. Gravity the leader. Submitting to the whim of things inescapable. Between events. Between moments. Between people. Somewhere along the way I learned that left turns were inevitable. And while I usually make sure to look in both directions first, here I zig zag. Thinking it’s all ‘interesting’ and ‘amazing,’ raising my hands and laughing while I lose my stomach on the ride.